Sunday, April 4, 2010

ZombieLand: Bitches

Part 5: Bitches

The most glaringly awful problem with this film were the female characters. As I stated in the characters section, we know very little about these characters. Little Rock and Wichita are these sisters with "trust issues" who seem to have been taking care of themselves for some nondescript time. We don't know why they have been taking care of themselves, why they have "trust issues," or why they become okay with taking the other two characters along once they steal the second car from them.
Wichita, already an undeveloped character, suddenly shows interest in Columbus only after he kills Bill Murray and she's had plenty of wine. Which I'm not sure if it's more or less annoying because Columbus was interested in her despite her being a raging bitch to him until suddenly being nice and this is the only reason he stayed! I would have ignored this a little bit more if it wasn't the only...reason...Columbus...is...still....in...the...story! Anyways, we have no reason to like these women and we have no reason for why Wichita likes Columbus, not even justifications for the sake of it even though we all know she's probably just horny. And of course, her real purpose is so we can have horribly forced drama. They almost kiss and naturally the next morning she takes off with her sister because "never trust anyone!" Why? Why not trust him? Or why not use him for sex and then go? Why do you care about him in the first place? Why wouldn't you trust him at this point? Even so, why would you just bolt rather than tell them you want to move on or go elsewhere? Why do we care? What...the...crap?
And Little Rock is even less prevalent and less understandable. One minute she says "twelve is the new twenty," holding up Tallahassee, shooting the roof, and the next minute she's a kid again and Wichita wants to protect her innocence and take her to a theme park despite all the zombies. I understand the idea that she's a kid in certain senses, like her talking about Hannah Montana or not knowing Ghandi or Bill Murray, but being innocent in this stupid sense where thinks that she could go to this theme park and it would be zombie-free, and she could relive her childhood...it's all a load of flaming dog shit left on your doorstep. And this is the bulk of her entire character. Beyond that she's useless. Even Tallahassee, a relatively comic-relief character has a well-developed back story and even a good motivation to behave as he does. That isn't the case with Little Rock (or Wichita for that matter). These characters make no sense on any level and they're entire purpose in the movie is the most sexist thing I've seen since I smacked some girl and made her bake a pie. What is that purpose you might ask?
Their purpose is to cause trouble and drama without any reason and to behave like fucking idiots! Before I dive too deeply into this, they treat the men like shit despite them trying to be nice guys at two different points, and then ditch them again despite no reason. This is where all the conflict in the film really comes from, as the zombies, although always a looming threat, are not really a dramatic enough element until the end. And the end, that's where this sexist nonsense makes my balls explode and my penis shrivel up into a furious raging vagina ready to menstruate fire. The two women once again suffer from "trust issues" which is already sexist as hell in itself, and then they run off and light up an entire theme park to go have fun and party, completely unaware of how fucking stupid they are. Tons of zombies obviously are attracted by the noise and lights, and come storming to the final place for the incredibly forced climactic moment of the story. This is additionally horrible because it was the two women and they had absolutely no foresight on this part, as well as the reason they ran away was because of their "trust issues." Of course they find their way to some high ride, lock themselves in, and then shoot at the zombies from above and wait to be rescued, like good women--er damsels in distress--er...is there a way to talk about this part without sounding sexist? No! It's horrific and offensive and extremely bothersome both because it's a forced dramatic moment to make us feel like we had a plot building to this scene, and worse because it's more sexist than the Mormon religion and Stephanie Meyer combined. I guess that's kind of exaggerating and a little redundant with Meyer being a Mormon, but I don't care. This part of the film so glaringly awful that it almost makes me want to hate the movie, but then I laugh at every other part to the point of tears, and remember that just because this part of the film lacks, doesn't mean it lacks completely. Still, this film suffers from a severe case of the "Bitches, Whaddya Gonna Do?" flu.

No comments: