Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Fifteen Reasons why a Fanboy is an Idiot

Have you seen this? Well, check it out. After you've read as much as you can stomach, come back to me and enjoy trashing this idiot with me.

Let me start by saying a fanboy is a fanboy is a fanboy is an absolute idiot. We've all been there, we all get there, and it's a bittersweet place to be. We are full with a love that is so great that we would buy three copies of the DVD so that we can have a set to watch, a set to worship on a shrine, and a set to make sweet love to every night. The only problem is that we never leave the honeymoon stage. The work of art has become so idealized that it might as well be God. Or maybe something one step higher than that. So before you get all up in arms on this idiot ranting about Spiderman, remember something that you love so much, and understand that if you're not fair to this man I will track you down, find it out, and rip it to shreds just as well. Because nothing is perfect, and everything slowly becomes a dated piece of dried up dog shit.

15 - Fresh and Us are Relative Terms

What does "fresh" mean? That we remember one or two scenes? That everyone knows what I'm referring to when I say, "Don't tell Harry?" Maybe it's "fresh" in the sense that we can remember a scene or two, but to claim that just because we can remember the originals that we're unable to put that aside to go see a new franchise is trying to claim we're all a bunch of retards. Believe me, I grew up with the Spiderman movies, I can set aside my memories of it to watch a different version of Spiderman. I have a brain. Anyways, Scarecrow, who the hell is "us" and "we" and "our" referring to? You? You're not everyone, you're you. Don't project you're lack of a brain on the rest of us. Just as well, don't assume everyone loved the first two movies like you did or that they are your exact age. When you say it's been eight years and that kids are still kids, are you doing math when you say this? Or have you forgotten the difference between an eight year old and a sixteen year old? Or the difference between a two year old and a ten year old? Or the difference between a fifteen year old and a twenty three year old, or the difference between--okay okay, you get my point: eight years is extremely significant to the individual unless they were in their mid twenties when the first film came out. Not to mention how much changes in the film industry in eight years (both in the effects and in what the audience expects as far as stylistically). This may even be more of the reason why people were so disappointed with Spiderman 3. Aside from the fact that Batman Begins, coming out the year after Spiderman 2, changing what we expected comic book movies to do, after a certain point the same old storyline gets kind of old: love problems with Mary Jane, with great power comes great responsibility, save Mary Jane from the main antagonist one more time, tons of campy humor, wah wah Uncle Ben wah. People complain that Venom was shoved into the storyline rougher than shoving an un-lubed catheter up a urethra, but what about how that spider just happened to come down on Peter? And why the fuck would the spider even do that? And why Peter? And how does a bite (without radiation and other strange phenomena) suddenly mix DNA? Man, I could start creating hybrids of me everywhere if this were the case. IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY we better move on.

14 - Millions of people have passion for Spiderman

Spiderman is a very old character loved by billions of people. It's ludicrous to think that only one director, ever, had the passion to make the Spiderman movies work. Besides, passion doesn't resolve any shitty writing, or prevent it. I almost want to rewatch these movies and break them down in this review, just to shove your fandom down your throat so you can choke on it. That, and I feel like I should start writing a Spiderman screenplay just to show you how much better Spiderman really could be, because yes, I'm confident that I could write a better Spiderman movie than the original three. You may think it's arrogant, I just think the original three are idealized fecal matter. Well...they're not THAT bad, but I'm allowed to exaggerate because you are, because they're not THAT good. So stop holding up this shit on a magical pedestal. A lot of people love Spiderman. A lot of people can write and direct. And you need more than passion to make a good film.

13 - Spiderman 3 was everyone's fault

Aside from the presumption that Sony would hire a yes-man, especially when they originally hired Raimi, is just you saying you don't want anyone other than Raimi, I want to point out that even if it were completely Sony's fault that Spiderman 3 was a wreck, they would learn from this mistake simply as a company. They want to make good money, which in turn means they want to make a good film, or at least a very sellable film, and they know that with the last of the old franchise they disappointed millions of people, so they're aware they need to step it up. Besides, Sony merely pushed for Venom, they did not push for "five villains" or for "Mary Jane to show her boobs." Stop demonizing the company just because you're bitter. Besides, sure Raimi got pushed around a little by Sony, but sometimes a company simply knows better. Before the X-Files came out, they're idea was not to have any closure at the end of every episode, purposefully. Producers realized that this would be a disaster, and found a compromise by insisting that the episodes have a thematic element, with thematic closure by the end. This is one of the greatest strengths of the show, especially as it went on. Sony pushing Venom isn't a bad thing, billions of people are in love with Venom, it's their favorite character. If anything, Raimi was a stubborn, whiny, bitter bitch because he didn't want to put one of Spiderman's best villains in the film just because HE wasn't a fan. Sounds like this guy's a glorified fanboy. Wait, Raimi, did you write this article? Are you that bitter? Dude, I'm sorry, but get over it. Okay, so what I was saying before I uncovered your dark secret is, just because Raimi was forced to put in Venom doesn't mean Venom had to be un-lubed cathetered into the film. Venom and the black suit would go very well with the main villain: Harry. If anything, people should be asking why Sandman was in this film, and why in the hell they were still rehashing Uncle Ben and his death at this point. IT'S FUCKING OLD CAN WE PROGRESS oh I guess not, since Venom is going to know exactly where Mary Jane is, and exactly how to find Sandman, then team up with him, and Sandman is going to find and enormity of sand in the middle of a city, so now Harry who spent most of the movie with retroactive amnesia and played some sort of comic relief, can be a good guy even though HE WENT FUCKING INSANE NEVERMIND anyways forcing Venom into the story didn't have to be a bad thing, Raimi didn't like Venom and didn't try because he was pissy he was being made to do anything at all. And while a director should have control, other people including major companies have very good ideas and important insight into making a film great and making a film make a shit ton of money. Art through adversity.

12 - If Tobey Maguire is the only Spiderman than I want to Orchestrate Mass Suicide

There's no reason we would only want Tobey Maguire, here. You say that just because he's the only one we've seen he's the only one we'll want, but people were just fine when Val Kilmer took over Michael Keaton. And Tobey Maguire, much like Michael Keaton, was originally viewed as a terrible choice for a ton of very good reasons. One of my favorite of which is mediocre acting. There are many great actors that could do amazing things with this part, and to say that "we" are all stubborn jackasses like you that can't get past Toby because we've only ever seen him is just a lot more of you projecting your fanboy faggotry on the rest of us. We actually have the ability within our brain to set aside certain memories, or to move on. If you were an eighty-five-year-old man babbling about black and white television because it was once at one point the only thing we'd seen, maybe then I'd understand your plight. But it has nothing to do with us or Tobey Maguire, and all to do with you. Also, I want to briefly point out, Tobey Maguire was not interested in signing on for any other films, neither was Kirsten Dunst. So I'm not sure if you know this, but that would kind of result in there being a new Spiderman, whether or not they rebooted the franchise.

11 - The World is Cruel

Reading about how terrible it is that a director gets knocked off because his last movie sucked seems like a five year old bitching that he doesn't get his lollipop because last time he shoved it in his eye. Besides, life isn't fair. What, should everyone get a trophy because everyone is a winner? Or should you go cry in the corner because you blew it and you know it? Maybe then you'll learn to shoot a three-pointer and not disappoint the entire team. I can't believe you hadn't been practicing all week for this moment. You're such a disappointment, I'm surprised you haven't hung yourself. You're so worthless and--okay, so, what I'm really saying is, suck it up. Life's not fair. Besides, like I've given a ton of reasons why Raimi's works could be a thousand times better, why wouldn't Sony want to give someone else a chance to show their vision, especially after Raimi's got old, fast. It's like he only read one comic, and then rehashed that comic's plotline three times. And why couldn't someone develop a much more realistic, less campy conceptualization? Especially when the film industry is moving away from that, especially in the comic book movie genre. Like I said, shit changes in eight years.

10 - Millions of people have talent

Does Raimi still have it? I think he's old news, quite frankly. I don't want another Spiderman where it's Peter Parker and Mary Jane crying over each other, or where we have an enormity of campy little pieces of dialogue like, "You're taller than you look," "I hunch," "don't." *facepalm* WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT so anyways, maybe Sony has a ton of reasons that are good ones for why they're tossing out Raimi. Besides, there are millions of people who would love to create an artistic vision of Spiderman, why toss them out just because you're vaguely comfortable with what you have? It's like saying you could do better than your current girlfriend, and you'd kind of want to, but you're comfortable with her, you've been with her for five years, and now it's kind of like, well...you know...I think I could marry this girl and resent myself until I'm thirty eight, fight for two years then divorce and realize now I'm too old to really be out on the bachelor prowl. Why throw away better talent, better passion, or the possibility of a better interpretation?

9 - This is the only sorta-kind-of good point

So it could be possible that origin stories might be getting old, but I think you're forgetting that it's because you're old. Okay, so we did Batman, The Hulk, Spiderman, Iron Man...were there others? I don't care. My point is that yes, for some people that have seen all these, it's a possibility we may be tired of origin stories (but we can't say that until we see another origin story), but there are many groups of younger individuals who could care less, either because they saw the origin stories when they were young, or when they weren't even old enough to really understand a goddamned thing in the film. This also doesn't include people with patience, people with understanding, curiosity, those that didn't like the original origin story because it was campy and didn't follow the comics on a number of levels (spider bite/no radiation, webbing being a part of the transformation not because he's an amateur chemist, Green Goblin in an ugly-looking suit), and so forth. Maybe origin stories are old, but not to everyone and probably not entirely. Just because you've seen something a few times doesn't mean it's going to be bad the next time, they just need to spend some time making it good.

8 - Okay, wait, no, but wait, how does this favor not rebooting?

First off, Spiderman has in no way used up all of his good villains. I'd go on some rant here but I feel like if you're going to talk about Spiderman like this, so boldly and assuredly, you should know this anyway, so either reach into your fanboy memory after you scrub out all the whiny fanboy bitchiness, much like scrubbing off all the rocks, dirt, and tire marks off the dead roadkill deer (it's still dead and stupid for jumping in front of a car), or explain what the fuck you're talking about and what's wrong with villains like The Lizard, Shocker, The Vulture, and so on. It's also a little annoying because what you're saying is either way we're screwed. This doesn't really support your point with continuing the franchise because then they have to use shitty villains, where at least if they restart it they can reuse these villains, albeit in a way that doesn't just immediately and recklessly and annoyingly kill them all off (oops!). And who knows, maybe they'll make the villains better? And maybe Spiderman wouldn't be a fucking idiot and listen to "don't tell Harry" from an insane individual, therefore letting his friend go utterly nuts and not say anything until years later when he's already started taking strange chemicals and flying at you with his father's weapons.

7 - Actors aren't one in a million, they're a million in one

There are so many actors (good and bad) that trying to find a good fit for these characters is only going to be hard because you're going to have an enormity of people trying out for them. Saying they'll never be able to get the same quality actors when referring to a movie with Toby Maguire and Kirsten Dunst is like saying they'll never get the same quality actors for Desperate Housewives. While Willem Dafoe and that guy who played Doctor Octopus were great actors, to say that no one else can do as good a job is shitting all over people like Heath Ledger who showed no matter how famous a role has become, a new interpretation can still fucking blow away the masses. The only shining light that lasted in all three of these films was James Franco, and just because he did an amazing job doesn't mean someone else can't do an amazing job, too. At any rate, the acting in the Spiderman movies is phenomenally bad at most points, so either you're a horribly cynical person or frighteningly delusional.

6 - Don't pretend to know motives

Sony is a large corporation made up of a large group of people. I highly doubt a large group of people got together in a board meeting and discussed their hatred of Sam Raimi.

"So do we want to make another Spiderman movie?"

"I hate Sam Raimi."

"Yeah, me too, that guy sucks."

"Guys, we should really talk about the financial pros and cons of restarting an entire franchise, especially a trilogy with a major fanbase."

"I think we should restart a franchise just to piss on that asshole Sam Raimi."

"Yeah, fuck that guy."

"But...don't you think, as a large company, we'd care more about the financial aspects of both cost and likely net income? You know, profit? Don't you think as a company we'd care more about things like what's the easiest way to make more money off a franchise that kind of ended roughly? Shouldn't we be discussing how well or not well making a fourth movie after five years of silence or restarting back at the beginning will turn out?"

"No, fuck Sam Raimi. Let's just get revenge, regardless of profitability."

"Yeah, I agree!"

"You both are fired. I'm going to start discussing this with people who aren't going to bankrupt the company."

This morality play was made possible by my rambly genius, inspired by a guy who clearly doesn't think beyond his own childish understandings, and years and years of wishing I was a professional writer.

5 - Where you start repeating yourself

Yeah yeah, you mentioned Hulk already, but let me point out basic fallacies in this brief paragraph. You don't know why less people went to see the second Hulk, even though I'm relatively certain that this is also an inaccurate fact. Box Office grosses both in US and International were higher for the newer Hulk film than the first. Check your numbers, or go here and see for yourself, you fucking unresearching liar. The internet is right at your fingertips, you have no excuse. Also, you don't know if people didn't go because "I've already seen it," or because they had lost hope and thought, "the last one sucked." As you've already demonstrated your piss poor understanding of a production company and its motives, I'm going to assume you also have no clue what everyone else is thinking, though you seem to like to talk as if you're talking for all of us. Also, Spiderman is in no way "the most popular superhero franchise ever." Aside from you not doing any research again, and speaking for everyone...again, I think it's important here to point out how short-sighted this is. Don't forget older franchises, and don't forget newer ones. I would argue, and the evidence would back me, that Iron Man and Batman are much more popular superhero franchises than Spiderman ever was or will be, and as the audiences grow and mature and expect more as Iron Man and Batman have revealed to us that we're allowed to, Spiderman becomes ever-dated like the girl you idealized in high school. I think you're forgetting about that pox-marked facial-scarred disaster and that flat chest.

4 - More repetition

Again, since The Batman reboot is the only example you have of a reboot that is picking up from more than one film, you can't really say "the only reason it worked" with any sort of confidence or certitude. You're just talking out of your butt-hurt fanboy ass at this point. Stop shoving Sam Raimi's dick up there and let out all this shit. And flush it down the toilet, where it belongs.

3 - Learn to Add

Eight years kids are not still kids, no matter how you look at it. 8-16 13-21 5-13 15-24 the changes between these ages are enormous. So please stop and think about what you say before you say it. You do realize that Spiderman could, indeed, still "tap into the psyche of America's kids," only now different kids, right? You also realize that people still remember what it was like to be a kid, right? You do also realize that the Spiderman movies actually did a pretty shit job of doing that, right? And that the strength that character has really comes from the comics, and not the horrible 90's concept of high school being portrayed in a 2002 film release, right? "We're all clearly adults pretending to be kids, hey, look, that guy over there is balding. Also, we're cool kids, watch us beat up nerds because they suck, and we're all tough and stuff and chest bump. Careful, don't scratch the leather on my sexy car, babe."

2 - What world do you live in?

Spiderman was not cutting edge even when it came out. It's graphics were always subpar, at best mediocre. Even as a kid I was able to spot clearly CGI moments in the film which of course I didn't care, but when we go back now, what was once mediocre at best is now almost cartoony. You need to stop rewriting history because of you fandom, and just go back and watch these movies. You really don't know what you're talking about. I'm kind of out of witticisms and metaphors at this point, because at this point your arguments are just so wrong and obviously inaccurate it's like picking on a fat, ugly, retarded kid who's mother dresses them in tight green pants at which he constantly soils himself in.

1 - Staying in the same place and restarting are not the same thing

Peter Parker is not being trapped into anything. This isn't like that stupid cheesy cage match in the first film. Besides the fact the Peter Parker has often been done and for extended periods within high school, they are restarting the franchise. They aren't keeping as a high schooler forever, they're restarting the franchise and therefore starting him back in high school. He'll grow and change just like last time, only maybe this time in a believable way that isn't overly forced with the same plotline and struggle three times over despite him being in his mid-twenties by the time he's in Spiderman 3. If anything the original films kept the character stuck in high school as far as the high school-style drama despite them getting older and dealing with heavier things like marriage, careers, college, business, and of course, super powers. So now, for Peter Parker, he has the opportunity to have a decent progression, then a next worth seeing.

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